where to begin

So much has happened since I last wrote eight months ago. Work got insane for a while, with much turmoil involved. Somewhat relatedly, I think, I was first too short on time and then too uninspired to write except as needed for work. Most importantly, in the fall my mom started to get sick, and then on January 11 she was diagnosed with recurrent cancer, and on February 24, almost exactly a month ago, we unexpectedly lost her.

Sachi and I wrote about my mom's illness and her passing in a blog we started to keep friends and family informed. I won't repeat any of that here.

What I will put down are some of the thoughts floating around in my brain. I have always found writing to be one of the best ways to think about things. Even before my mom passed away, I was starting to feel it was time to start blogging again, and now, especially, I'm feeling like writing could help bring some clarity and resolution.

It is not my intention to write only about sad things because that would do no one any good. But I will acknowledge that I am still reeling from my mother's death. That she is gone still feels like a bad dream or some dreadful cosmic mistake. I keep thinking that this is not how her story, or my story, or our family's story, is supposed to go. I'm beginning to realize that perhaps one never fully gets over the loss of someone dearly loved, that perhaps the sadness just becomes less frequent and acute.

I realize that I am lucky because for 38 years (almost 39!), I got to have her in my life, and forever, I get to be her daughter. In the parent lottery, I lucked out. As I've mentioned before, for all of my conscious memory, I have known that I am loved.

The other day a light bulb went on in my head (one of those thoughts floating around in my brain): the timing and circumstances of my mother's death do not alter or redefine the rest of her life. Compared to our happy times, her accomplishments, and her love for us, the horrible, painful, traumatic end of her life was only a brief chapter. I think with time, the most recent tragedy will assume proper proportion in my memories, and all of the good stuff will rise to the top.

seen

at Starbucks today


Perhaps best not to order the pomegranate tea.

never too old

to need your parents

The temperature reached 95 degrees in Boston today, but I'm doing fine.

Last week while they were visiting, my parents stocked the freezer with JP Licks ice cream, including a couple pints of my favorite, chocolate brownie batter. And my dad helped me install my two window air conditioners.

Now, instead of being hot and cranky, I'm cool and blissed out on chocolate.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

consolations

The season's first batch of pesto. A tall glass of iced tea.

I complain a lot about the heat and humidity, but summer has its upside, too.

reminders

I keep a massive electronic to-do list using this application.  Mostly this works well, but sometimes it's a note jotted on my little dry erase board that provides the crucial reminder that gets something done.

I picked up this strategy from my friend, Mary, who manages to get done in one day what would take most people two. My board hangs by the front door, right under the key cabinet, so it's (hopefully) one of the last things I see on my way out.

I've had the board for years - it moved with me from California - and it doesn't seem to be available anymore. But this one, by the same company, looks functional and cute. What more could one want?

Functional and cute. Hmm. Sometimes that's about the height of what I aspire to, too.

hmmm

Tonight I realized my instagram collection consists almost entirely of photos of cats and food.

I know. Hardly a surprise.

a modeling gig with hazard pay?

a chick in peril

Happy Easter!

(photo by Sachi's friend)